Enough with the adventure posts. For now anyway. I don’t want the excitement of our new life in Alaska to cause me to loose touch with one of the purposes of my blog. I started the blog so to keep family and friends in our loop of activities while we are away. After I began, my desire to give others a (mostly) unfiltered view into our life grew stronger. Why would I want to put up a window into our private lives? I believe there are too many people out there concerned about keeping up with those dang Joneses. I want others to see into the life of a family that is not perfect so that in turn they can give themselves a break. Why would anyone want to look into our simple little life window? Maybe because we are definitely not the Joneses. I want people to know that. I am not the greatest wife that ever lived. I am surely not the greatest mother. We don't have all of "things" that we dream of buying with our invisible cash excess. Heck, right now we don't even own our own mattresses. We are just kids....really. In a grown up world. I am putting it out there. So here’s to keeping it real….
I feel a little lost lately here at the house. But being here only temporarily means I don’t feel like Dixie and I can get into a routine. She stays up late and sleeps late. I wake when she does and ease into a simple breakfast. By simple, I mean I fix her oatmeal in the microwave and while she eats I try to check email here on the counter where my connection is in and out. Since my connection is in and out, what should take 30 minutes takes an hour and I give up early, frustrated, and not really ready for the day. Dixie has no cartoons to keep her busy for any length of time so when I want some selfish time I have to put in a full blown movie, which leaves me feeling guilty…for some reason. I really want to cook but I don’t really know how. I would actually love to break out a cookbook but they are all in Canada. I can rarely ever successfully get online when I need to so recipes out there in virtual land remain there unseen by me. I can’t sell my vintage goods online because all of my things are in Canada. I am not saying I am bored…because I am not. I don’t have trouble staying busy as there is a seemingly endless list of cleaning chores, laundry, and dish washing to keep me busy. Being in such a small place means things can get bad in a hurry and often do. But, I find that I don’t want to clean all the dang time. What I am is restless. I want a home! I want my things! I want to busy myself with decorating, selling things on etsy, being creative and making things with my hands, cooking, and helping Dixie’s brain to grow. But you know what else? While I am on a role? I am tired of making Dixie’s brain grow. I am beyond grateful that I have been at home with her all these years and I wouldn’t want it any other way. But I am tired. I am absolutely out of ideas for her entertainment and education. What I need is for Charley to go to preschool and few days a week. Then, I might feel inspired to come up with some new ideas that we both might actually enjoy and learn from. Maybe I need a curriculum. I need some order in my life.
And I am worried about my Mama. She is off in South Carolina all by herself waiting to see if she got this job she is temporarily filling. She is in limbo….and all alone. Worrying about her makes me miss her more and with no plans or real hope at all for visiting for MONTHS ahead I am feeling really sad about being so far away right now.
AND, I am worried about my little nephew. This weekend, he and his family are coming to Alabama from Georgia for a visit. Normally when they visit, he and Dixie eagerly anticipate the reunion and spend the entire time playing blissfully at Big Mama’s house. He is only 3, so I am not sure he fully got that we were leaving. The poor little guy is going to be so disappointed when he realizes that his big cousin isn’t there. That hurts my heart.
16 Comments
Sweet Hayley. Like your signature.
ReplyDeleteI am worried about Jordan too, but you know he can have fun with just about anything/anywhere...He will be sad, I'm sure. It will probably seem like he does nothing but ask about 'Chargie' for this entire visit, but he will understand eventually. He does seem to understand that you all are in Alaska, but I don't think he has any grasp about how far away it is or why you can't just come to Laura's when we are there. We have a big map & I show him AK almost every day and explain that it is far away.
ReplyDeleteSome good news, enjoy summer in AK while it is here & don't feel guilty about any of it. I think you will have PLENTY of time between September and May to be inside, cleaning, making things, selling things, trying to stay warm, cook, etc. I understand the need to have a schedule, but that is normal of any move, even if you had just moved over to GA from AL. Your only a month into your move, it will probably take you about 3 -6 months to feel 'normal' in your new life, but it will not feel like your old life.
Your post was really thoughtful - we miss you guys a bunch, and it will be a sad weekend for us in BAMA without you guys there.
I think it's completely normal to miss what you're used to. Alaska must be a HUGE change from Alabama, and your lifestyle it seems, has changed quite a bit too, in spite of your wanting (and preparing) for a simple life. (NO INTERNET. I'D GO CRAZY! The sun being up all the time? I'd need darkening shades ASAP. Not having axcess to stores or much of anything on a regular basis? Wow!)
ReplyDeleteYou've left all your friends and your family. It has to be a big ajustment. That said, I do believe you've made the right choice for yourselves. From the sounds of this blog, you guys really did want to get down to basics. The pics are beautiful and it looks like a great place for Charley to grow up. Speaking of Charley, she appears to be ajusting nicely (despite her weird schedule) and it sounds like you are doing what you can to adjust as well. (You've made new friends pretty quick. :) )
Try not to beat yourself up about the mom guilt if you can. (I'm not a mom, so I'm unable to know this firsthand, but out of all the moms I do know, they all have that look of "I NEED SOME TIME TO MYSELF" once in awhile.) My stepsister jumped for joy when her little guy went on the bus for the first time and off to school, so you're not alone.
And lastly, (I know it's easier said than done) try not to worry about your momma. :) I don't know her personally, but from the comments on here, she sounds like a strong lady, and will roll with the punches just fine.
I'm proud of you! (I know that sounds weird coming from a stranger) You realized your dreams and you went to get them! That's more then what most people do. So don't beat yourself up on days where you feel a little overwhelmed and lonely. It was bound to happen while all these changes are happening. Vent when you need to and keep your head up. Everything will fall into place. :)
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ReplyDeleteThanks Ma.
ReplyDeletePhyllis, I know he will pull through. I have been thinking about how it will be hard on you too since he won't have Charley to keep him corralled and busy. What you are saying about the winter is very true isn't it? September - May is the time for the schedule.
And Katie. I just realized a third reason for my blog. So that I can be uplifted by total "strangers"! How nice! It seems if I ever post about feeling anything other than happy and adventurous my friends really come through with the confidence boosting comments. Thanks very much. This all goes for you too Phyllis.
I love that the phrase "You realized your dreams and you went to get them! That's more then what most people do." is being used on us! I have always wanted that! So thanks.
Hayley, what you are going through is exactly what most all of us have gone through at one time or another. It can be difficult to live so far from family - especially in the beginning, after having spent your entire life with your family close by. There are adjustments to be made for sure!
ReplyDeleteOpen your heart and your life to the people around you. They were most likely feeling exactly like you are when they first came to AK. You will find in time that the friends you make here will become your "family" in so many ways. It is so nice to have a support system, whether it be a group of moms with youngsters that you see once a week for children stories at the library, or other women who like to craft, or just one or two special people who you can sit and have a cup of coffee with, or hike, or just hang out doing nothing.
Also be aware that winter is going to be harder. With the cold, we all tend to go into hibernation mode. There have been times when I haven't left my house for a week in winter! It can be a very isolating time of the year, and having phone or email contact with local friends can be a much needed lifeline.
Summer is too short here. Let the housework go. Get outside as much as possible. Enjoy the sunshine when it's there. Spend time with friends. Explore your area.
Most of all, don't be afraid to reach out to others when you need some diversion or just to talk to another adult.
And keep blogging. It really does help to write down what you're feeling.
I hope to meet you soon! Maybe this summer. I love to road trip with my gal pals. Hopefully our travels will bring us in your direction.
If you're ever in Fairbanks/North Pole, please call me (907) 490-0059 home or (907) 687-3542 cell and we'll meet up for coffee, lunch, or even a walk at Creamers Field.
Take care,
Susan
I truly enjoy this blog and the comments. It's better than reading a good novel. I hope you can put videos on a blog. If so get out that Flip camera Hayley. Thanks to Katie, Phyllis and Susan for making my day. This is like reading your child's diary except that she's all grown up and a very lovely person.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Hayley! We finally got a house(rental), but still lack furniture, so I'm in the boat with you! Eric mentioned we might try to drive your way this weekend since we both got the 3 days off(I'll make sure to call)!
ReplyDeleteI think you are handling it awesome, just hitting one of those little speed bumps that comes from this limbo period until life settles into the new normal for you.
And on the bright side, honestly, how lucky are we to get to be living such an adventure in such a cool place ;-)
Susan,
ReplyDeleteOh don't worry, I am definitely letting the housework go! We are outside the majority of the time enjoying everything! It is just those times I am inside that I need a nest. I find that blogging does help also. My hope is that it will help others too. I don't want to give the impression that we are just livin' it up with no downs here in Alaska, because that just isn't human. Thanks for your advice. I hope to meet you soon too! I am going to add your numbers to my cell.
Aw MOM. Thanks! And I will get the flip recorder out. Hopefully today.
ReplyDeleteMissy, Yes I think everything is going very well for both our families it seems. I give God the credit for all of it. To come this far with as few snags as we have had...only God can do that. Hope to meet you soon!
ReplyDeleteK, tonight I accidentally left my blackberry IN THE CAR, and I nearly lost my mind. As for the unsettled, strange feeling you've got goin on, if it brings you any comfort or empathy (or a strange kind comfort because you suddenly feel empathy), I've been there, too. You know who else has been there, too? Jesus. That's right, seester. One of the main reasons He entered our world was to experience feelings of isolation/concern/responsibility/sadness/(and more), so that we could know that we are not alone in ANYTHING we go through. So, you can talk to Him about this stuff.. but I know you know that.
ReplyDeleteAbout the guilty thing your feeling when you have to let Charley watch a movie so you can have "selfish" time? What you think is "selfish" time is actually NOT selfish at all when your perspective changes a little... Think of it like this: When you get on a plane and they do the whole safety schpiel, they always say to put the oxygen mask on YOURSELF first, and THEN put the mask on your child. Why? Because you can't put the mask on your child if you, yourself pass out from of lack of oxygen! I'm glad you realize that you need a break. I'm also glad you've got the idea that preschool (or something like it) could impose a structure on your lives that may help. Hey, my line of work can be so UNstructured, that sometimes, believe or not, I think I'd like to sit in a cubicle all day, 9-5! (I wouldn't really, and I love my job, but the point is that I miss a STRUCTURE at times, which, I believe, is normal). I know you feel lost sometimes.. going out there on an underdeveloped-from-lack-of-sunlight-limb like this, but no matter where you end up geographically, going through these "tests" and "hardships" ultimately serve to make ya'll even better people. You'll be wiser, more joyful, and have a better understanding of God, love, family, people, and life in general because you've put yourselves in an uncomfortable position.
Love you (and ya'll). Don't freak out. It's alright. Ma, and Jordan, and everybody you're worried about are all okay, too. They are experiencing things that may ultimately serve to make them even better people, too. I know you love us all, but it's time you experience something new for a little while. We'll be here. Don't worry; there will still be plenty to worry about.. later. (Haha...?)
Sister you are so full of sisterly love and wisdom. I was just telling someone the other day that you have a lot of faith and that you are responsible for the fact that read my Bible on a (semi) regular basis. You are good sister. Good analogy-maker too....And listener...And splainer
ReplyDeleteThanks, sister. Sometimes I over-splain things, but I do like splainin.
ReplyDeleteHayley - it sounds like you need to listen to your big sister. Especially the whole taking care of yourself so you can take care of others - this is the truth of motherhood (or at least my perception so far on the journey). I was actually going to tell you that you need to get a workbook called The Mothers Guide to Self Renewal. It will walk you though a year of monthly 'focused' thoughts/activities on how to take care of yourself and your relationships. I bought it a few years ago, but I look at it almost weekly (still) because it helps me feel more balanced & I almost always have some new insight from the book. I have found it very true, that everyone needs time to themselves for self renewal - it is not selfish! I feel at times that as a mom at home all of the time, I have almost no time for me. When I don't take time for me, I feel beat down, unappreciated and tired & it is easy to feel sad, mad or depressed when you feel those other things. It just seems like it is easier to be a 'focused' mom when you have breaks - just think quality not quantity. You are doing a great job with Charley - she is going to remember all of the wonderful things you did with her, not that she watched a movie that you felt guilty about.
ReplyDeleteThanks Phyllis. I will look to see if they have that book at the library. Sounds good. And I agree with everything you said. After looking at the prices for the preschool around here, it seems like I am going to have to really start letting the guilt go 'cause if Charley and I are home together everyday of the upcoming winter, she will definetely be spending some time on her own.
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