Hi!
I've been away for a while.
I've got a bunch of reasons for that.
I'll share a few.
Please observe.
My #2 distraction
I'm PG.
And YES there is only one in there, so now I don't have to black your eye for asking.
About 16 weeks along.
And it is good. So good.
Sure, I've been nauseous and unBElievably weak the majority of these 16 weeks. Sure, I've found pregnancy at 34 is a LOT more difficult than pregnancy at 27, but we were ready for this.
We planned it all out.
I even tried to work it out so that we wouldn't have to RE-meet our deductible in the delivery room.
I'm due January 12th.
Yeah, you know what they say about the best laid plans....
I also didn't "plan' on the doctor finding 3 lumps in my breasts, when I was a few weeks along, but before I even knew I was pregnant at all.
My #1 distraction as of late....
For months, 4 months to be exact, I've not been fully confident what these "masses" were. I was told they appeared to be two fibroadenomas and one intraductal papilloma and that they were probably alright. I should at least get the papilloma removed to be sure. The fear set in immediately and the surgery was scheduled. And no, doctor sir, I wasn't just going to get the papilloma removed. I wanted them all out. The doctor said that probably wasn't necessary and when I asked why not he said I'd have scars from the incision. Ha. What does a few little scars weigh against my peace of mind? Nothing, I say. Get them all out. As soon as humanly possible. A few days after I made my decision, I was prepping my living room walls for paint with the fear of surgery continually running through my mind. I had a mask on and an electric sander in my hand. Then I started thinking about asbestos and how my mask probably offered little protection against it. I hoped it wasn't in my sheetrock. Then I started thinking about how asbestos for sure wouldn't be good for a baby in utero. Then I started thinking about the last day of my period. I was thinking it had been a while. I went to my calendar and counted the days. Hmmmm. It had been a while. I went back to sanding. I knew if I found out I was pregnant, I'd never get it done. So I finished the job, then calmly walked upstairs to pee on the stick. And then another. And later, another.
I was told that I should put the surgery on hold until my first trimester was complete. Then, the day before surgery, while at the hospital getting blood work done, I was called back to the surgeon's office to be told that it'd probably be ok to put the surgery on hold for a while longer. Say until after the delivery. I leave that day with mixed emotions. Relief but with a large dose of anxiety. I tormented myself with questions. Should the fact that my surgeon told me that "most doctors" are afraid to operate on pregnant women warrant getting a second opinion? Even though he also said my lumps were probably ok?? Doctor visits are very expensive, and our insurance is totally crappy, should I really get a second opinion? Should I have surgery thus risking my babies health to protect my own? Am I being totally selfish to want these things out NOW?
To say that motherhood brought out the hypochondriac in me is a total understatement.
Now, balancing hypochondria with an actual, true blue, doctor attention getting, real problem has been challenging. I figure I should follow my instincts, I should trust myself, right? But it's tough following your gut when 10 minutes prior your gut is telling you that due to some unrelated issue you have the worst thing that you can imagine and therefore you have no hope.
Yeah, I've been a little troubled as of late.
After a few days, I decided I'd get that second opinion. I got a recommendation from my OBGYN and made an appointment. My new surgeon suggested I get a biopsy. Hey, that's what I wanted to do all along but was initially told that I'd have to be put completely under for the process. As it turns out, that is not at all the case. So, with just a few numbing shots the radiologist was able to get enough tissue to determine that I'm ok.
Praise God, I'm ok.
After 4 months of not knowing, the call came.
There are no signs of cancer.
Thank you God, thank you God, thank you God.
As many times as I say that, I'll probably never say it as many times as I said
please God, please God, please God.
I do in fact have two fibroadenomas and one intraductal papilloma. The papilloma will have to come out, but can wait until after I have this baby.
I am so, so, so, thankful.
Not knowing is a difficult thing.
I've also found that trusting God, no matter what He chooses for you, is an incredibly difficult thing as well. But I am a whole lot better at trusting God now, than before this whole worrisome mess began.
For a long time I didn't want anyone to know what was going on with me. I felt like if I shared it, it became real. I was afraid people would only say things to make me more fearful. But as soon as I opened up, I was overwhelmed with stories, "Oh I had that. Yeah, it was fine." Now, I know not all stories have the same ending, but it is always comforting to hear from those who've been through it. And that's why I'm sharing all of these personal details of my life.
If I can calm one nerve it's worth it to me.
Now, I am going to start focusing on this baby I am having.
The excitement is just now settling in.
7 Comments
Congratulations on the new baby! And it is good to hear there is NO cancer. That is a scary thing to think about at any time, much less when you are pregnant. Sounds like everything is under control so enjoy the anticipation. Tell Chuck hello, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your finally "out". It says you're feeling better. Glad you can now get excited about my new grandbaby. It will be great. Can't wait for Charley to have a baby brother or sister. Kids are so great you've got to have more than one. Love you baby.
ReplyDeleteah.... where to start?
ReplyDeletea. God is an awesome God... and he will - and does - take care of you.
b. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! oh my GOSH!!! I'm so excited for you and Charley and your husband!!!
c. You're in my prayers.
d. CONGRATULATIONS!!! oh... I already said that... but I mean it!!!
Baby Room Decor begins!!!
:) robelyn
Hayley!! I am so happy to see you back on the blog and with such great news. I had heard a little rumor about the pregnancy but when I didn't see any news on the blog I was worried for you all. Well it does seem there was reason for worry but I am relieved to learn both you and baby are well. I can't imagine how hard this has been for you. I am glad you can settle in and focus on baby now. You and Chuck are such fantastic parents and Charley is such a beautiful little spirit you should definitely have more kids.
ReplyDeleteSo congrats!!!!
Ellie
Hayley, oh my gosh! Congrats on the new baby! Many blessings to you and the family. That is just wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that the beginning stages of your pregnancy was clouded with such a scary "what if" time. I found a lump in my right breast when I was 24, Because of having such dense breast tissue, I was told I would have to wait until after I got my period, then reach the end of my cycle, before I had a biopsy. Of course, because of nerves, I missed my period and had to wait an extra month, then have surgery. My doctor urged me to not have the surgery either. I was like you. I told her I wanted it out and gone. You can always feel it, and "cancer" is ALWAYS in the back of your mind. She also fed me the same BS line about having a scar. I told her I had plenty already! Sheesh. Vanity, schamity.
So happy that you now have that peace of mind and you can concentrate on the great times ahead of you. Loads of well wishes to you! Welcome back!
Congratulations on a new baby and good health!!!
ReplyDeleteI've really missed your blog ! So glad to see you back and also see that you are back reporting GREAT news. Praise The LORD for your wonderful results and that there is no cancer. We had a huge scare with my Mom back in April..she had a tumor the size of a small nerf football growing in her chest cavity and pressing on her heart etc..so I completely get the need for privacy and wanting to push out fear and horror stories but also that need for encouragment and support and just a good ole "It's GOING to be OK." . And I too, prayed many'a "please God Please God Please God" and I feel like saying Thank You everyday for the rest of my life will never be enough for all the prayers that God has answered since April. So-I say that to say that I am thankful that your prayers were also answered and that you are doing well as well as BABY ! How exciting !! So happy for ya! Will be praying for a safe and healthy pregnancy and continued health for you!
ReplyDelete