"I'm leaving, on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again."

For two weeks I have felt compelled to repeatedly sing ..."I'm leaving, on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again," which then strangely transitions into "I'm leavin'...on a midnight train to Georgia, leavin' on a midnight train..." Neither song shows any real resemblance to my actual situation...except the part about, "don't know when I'll be back again". Sniff, sniff, wahhhhhhh! Go on now...sing it...just that part...sing it aloud....real slow and soft. Sad huh?

I'll never forget sitting outside LaGuardia airport with Sister, preparing to head inside and fly back to Alabama after a short visit. She was there to see me off, as she was living in the city at the time. Sister and I sat there on a concrete bench in a rare moment of quite. She then began softly singing, "ohh I wish I was in Dixie, away, away." She sang just the one line. It was terribly sad. I can't even stand it now. She meant for it to be a bit of a joke but since we both knew there was a lot of truth to it, it was much more sad than funny. I got on that plane and cried and cried.

Leaving is going to be hard. My poor mom probably cries about it at least once a day, but somehow is my biggest supporter. She gets why we need to leave. Even as a relatively new mother, I realize that at times encouraging your kids to do what you believe is a good for them, can hurt. Sometimes what is good for them, directly contradicts what your heart wants for them.

It sickens me with worry to think of any of my family sickened with worry. It literally causes me to pain to think of putting them through the pain of missing us. I understand and anticipate their feelings, but I absolutely hate to be the one that burdens them with that. This is one big reason why I don't take chances, why I haven't run off yet. Heck, it's what kept me from enjoying even the shortest youth trips or band excursions.

I know nobody understands it fully...but this is something Chuck and I NEED. We have GOT to get out of this town. We have GOT to get somewhere where we can roam. Every time I say that, I feel heavy with guilt. I am afraid that somehow implies to those here that we have got to get away from them. Of course I know better. I hate to leave them. My heart literally hurts, it aches at the very idea of leaving Dad and Mom and my sister's frequent visits and Craig and Aunt Joann and Uncle Sonny Boy and Laura and all of 'em..but this guilt and fear of hurting and missing is what has held me here for so long now...but it's time.